In the hope of raising decent human beings…
Lately I found myself doubting my abilities of raising my own kids amid the chaos we are living in at the moment. Being sleep deprived made me realize that unless I put important things I need to focus on in writing I will most probably fail as a parent (not that I will 100% succeed either, but at least my chances are higher). So, I decided to do a research and compile a list of all the important things we should focus on while raising little kids (ages 3-7) from Islamic and secular perspective.
Before listing all the things we should focus on I would like to make sure we keep in our mind that the most important thing we as parents can do for our kids (no matter their age) is MAKE DUA FOR THEM. Pray for them.
The best and the most beneficial thing for our kids is something that is completely free and easy to do. When we feel like we are failing our kids, we can always go harder on our prayers.
“And whoever relies upon Allah, then He is sufficient for him.” The Holy Qur’an 65:3
Our children are a trust given to us by Allah. They are not our possessions we can manage however we like. Allah entrusts us with kids, and we will be held accountable for their well-being. It is He who makes all matters good for them no matter the situation.
Praying for their their halal income and possesions, rightousness, rizq, overall well-being, Allah’s satisfaciton with them and so on. At the end of the day, if Allah is satisfied with them, they will succeed and have a good life.
Now, that we have the right mindset we can proceed.
The following are the things (from Islamic and secular sources) kids should be introduced to in order to develop in a healthy way during the first years of their lives.
1. Hold Them Dear (Daily)
(A Beautiful Word Spoken to Your Kid a Day)
Who can show your kids sincere love, care and mercy better than you, parents?
Our kids need us to show them that we value and cherish them. Sometimes, for some parents, it may mean that we have to be more mindful about it. For example, if you know that you as a kid had not been shown love and mercy, it most probably mean you will have to be intentional about this part as it may not come naturally to you.
One thing I know I have to be mindful about is critizising my children in public. We need to stop criticizing them to others. Especially, in front of them.
We need to speak highly of them. Especially, in front of them.
We need to be their lawyers in public. But, keeping them in check at home is a must. Children understand. They accumulate emotions based on their understanding and we better be aware of it.
If mommy keeps complaining to others about her kids’ behavior, how do we expect the same kids to feel valued, appreciated, and loved?
We need to prioritize our relationship with our child. We need to speak to them as if they were the greatest person in the world. They need to know that we are proud of them. They need to know that we love them no matter what. Which does not mean we will approve of just any kind of behavior. We will most certainly have to set boundaries, but being kind and firm about them makes kids understand good intentions behind them.
If we as kids were not used to hearing beautiful words from our parents, we will need to train ourselves to speak to our kids beautifully. Some examples might include:
“You make me proud.”
“I feel blessed that I have you as my daughter.”
“What do you think about this?” (You show that you value their opinion.)
“I love spending time with you.”
“I trust you.”
“I am sorry.”
“I saw that you tried hard and that is what matters.”
“I love you.”
“You and your feelings matter.”
2. Safety
I believe that our kids’ safety should be the top priority. There are three safety types: physical (freedom from pysical harm), emotional (freedom from pschological harm), and financial (freedom from financial hardship). For more on this, visit the following article.
3. Treat Your Kids According to Their Character, Interests, and Current Circumstances
Getting to know our child’s characteristics and interests helps us understand what kind of treatment they need so they can develop in a healthy way. Paying attention to this also allows us to build a healthy and beautiful relationship with them. Those differences can be due to their gender, genes, environment, and etc. Not every child requires the same treatment and we need to use wisdom to treat them accordingly.
The concept of equality… I do not believe in it. I do not stand by it. As a matter of fact, I am against it. Equality does not mean justice. What we need is justice. No two idividuals are the same. There are some obvious gender differences, character differences, different preferences and etc. All that requires our sensitive approach and attentive observation.
Here you can find a couple of studies that explain the gender difference in children’s interest.
Study 1
Study 2
Study 3
I read this somewhere and I had to share:
“Someone asked me which child do you love most? THE ONE THAT NEEDS ME MOST IN THAT MOMENT!” End of story.
4. Leave the Phone, Get On the Floor, and Play With Your Kids (Daily) (Especially Rough and Tumble)
Even 10 minutes a day of quality playtime with your kids (each kid separate and together) goes a long way. Playing with kids (and letting them take the lead more often) has benefits for both sides. Children develop self-esteem, leadership skills, and creativity while parents relese a hormore oxcytocin that is associated with trust, relationship building, counteracts the effects of stress, reduces blood pressure, anxiety and fear. 1
Rough and tumble play is a great way for kids to explore their physical boundaries and consent, build spatial awareness, and learn about force control. Dads are particulary good at this.
5. Gratitude (Daily)
Teaching kids to say “thank you” is the first step towards raising grateful and kind kids. We teach them to say it by saying “thank you” to them first. They figure out the meaning of it very fast. Soon enough, you will hear your kids say “thank you” to you too.
However, we all know that saying “thank you” is not all there is to a grateful attitude. Pointing out all the things we have and saying “Alhamdulliah” (all praise and thanks belong to Allah) helps raise awareness in kids. Talking about all the blessings is one of the ways to foster the positive outlook on our life in general. Thinking about people that are less fortunate than us makes us realize how much we are blessed.
“If you tried to count Allah’s blessings, you would never be able to number them.”
Ayah an-Nahl (The Bee) 16:18
We can challenge them and ourselves to count the blessings every day…
For example, we can ask them to tell us 3 things they are grateful for during bedtime.
6. Adhkar (Daily)
(i.e. a Surah/Dua a Month)
We need to teach our kids the importance of protection against evil.
Surahs Ihklas, Falaq and Nas are easy and short surahs that kids can memorize easily. My daughter who is 3 recently managed to memorize surah Iklas in two days of listening to a beatiful recitation of Mishary Rashid. Now, she recites it on her own before she goes to sleep. As they grow older, they will find it easier to memorize even more. A practicle tip I would recommend is promising a reward for learning Surahs/Duas. Works wonders!
If you want to know more about Adkhar you can visit this article.
7. Emotional Regulation (Daily)
(An Emotion a Week/Month)
I used to teach at a secular kindergarten. That experience has helped a lot with teaching my own kids, now. I personally think every mom should take a course that will help them teach their kids in a fun and playful way.
We used to teach kids (during circle times) about recognizing their emotions, regulating them and being mindful of them. I do not have any vivid memory of ever anyone teaching me how to regulate or at least recognize my emotions, let alone regulate them. Some people may find it awkward and unnecessary. However, I think I would have been much better at controlling my own emotions. I find the emphasis on the importance of our regulating our emotions very necessary, especially in this day and age.
If you want to know how I teach my kids about their emotions and how to regulate them (using islamic and science-approved perspective) you can check this article.
Working on managing one’s emotions means becoming more resilient and mentally strong individuals. Life is not meant to be perfect. Life in this world is a test and key to the perfect one. Meaning, our kids will face struggles, no doubt about it. What we as parents can do is give them the tools to use when life gets tough. They will be able to withstand the adversity in life and grow despite the struggle.
8. Time (Daily)
Once I started a daily routine and kids got used to knowing what is about to happen next, they became calmer and happier in general. Having a daily routine saves your sanity, too.
So, (having in mind I am flexible with the schedule/routine when it comes to time) most of our days look as follows: potty time, getting dressed, breakfast, free play, circle time, worksheet time, play with mama time, snack time, playground/garden time, brunch time, nap/quiet time, book time, snack time, sensory bin/DIY, play time, TV time, dinner time, baba time.
Talking about changing seasons helps kids understand the concept of time in general. Say, showing them the difference in how trees look in different seasons.
Creating a picture schedule they can follow makes it easy and fun for kids and teaches them how to manage their day.
This printable of our morning and bedtime routine can help you on your journey of organizing your time with your kids.
Another very practicle tip, if there is an event coming up that they are very excited about, we mark the days off on the calendar to show visually how we are getting there.
9. Setting Boundaries and Proper Consequences Properly (When Needed)
Two words we as parents need to keep in minds: kind and firm.
Kids may test the limits. That is how they learn how this world functions. So, we should be prepared to be driven nuts by them. What we need to do is be logical and kind about boundaries (consequences), consistent and a role model. This article explains more about how I set boundaries and consuequences with my kids using psychologists and islamically approved ways.
10. Akhlaq wa Adab (Good Manners)
(Work on a Manner a Week)
Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) is reported to have said,
”There is no gift that a father gives his child more virtuous than good manners.”
(Sunan Tirmidhi, Hadith: 1952)
Good manners come natural to us to teach when we ourselves are a good role model for kids. You say “thank you” and “please” to them and people around you. Suddenly, you start hearing them say those kind words back to you and others.
However, when it comes to the manners that you recognize you may be lacking, it’s important to approach them with intentionality. You’ll need to actively schedule time to focus on improving these traits while also fostering them in your children. Personally, I choose one specific manner each week to highlight and raise awareness about during circle time. Throughout the week, I create situations where they can practice and apply this particular manner. Ultimately, being mindful of our own behavior and Akhlaq is the most effective way to teach and instill these values in our children.
11. Involving Grandparents in Kids’ Lives
Grandparents play an important role in children’s lives. Their wisdom and life experiences that they share through stories and play are things kids benefit from. They are also a source of unconditional love that all adds up to a beautiful experience our kids get to experience in their childhood which will positively impact their perspective on life.
When mom and dad are hard to cope with there are grandparents to go to or call. It is a blessing for our kids to have a safe place they can go to in the times when it seems impossible to handle certain situations at home.
The best way to involve grandparents in their lives is if they are close to us in proximity. If not, regular video calls and occasional visits also help build and strengthen their relationship.
12. Maintaining Good Relationships with Others (weekly or monthly)
Regular playdates with families who have children of similar ages and share common values can be an effective way to demonstrate the importance of human relationships to our kids. In addition, involving them in extracurricular activities such as sports, art, and other pursuits provides valuable opportunities for social interaction, helping them develop essential social skills. It is also important to occasionally expose children to individuals with differing perspectives, as this teaches them that diversity of thought is natural and acceptable. By doing so, they learn that they can maintain their own values and authencity while engaging in meaningful relationships with others who may hold different views.
Also, having more than one child (with little age gap between them, preferably) gives plenty of unintentional social practice and helps kids understand the dynamics of human relationships in general.
Gifting people we love makes the love grow fonder. We can show kids the importance of gifting people around us by being a role model ourselves.
Abu Huraira reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Give each other gifts and you will love each other.”
Source: al-Adab al-Mufrad 594
Grade: Hasan (fair) according to Ibn Hajar
13. Respect (Daily)
What does it look like when we respect someone?
We treat them in a way that shows you care about their well-being and how they feel.
It’s difficult to admit, but when your child starts yelling at you, it’s likely that you’ve inadvertently modeled this behavior. I completely understand how challenging it is to regulate our emotions and maintain respect, especially when children seem to know exactly how to push our buttons. However, it’s crucial that we first work on respecting them, trusting that with patience, the positive results will eventually follow.
This isn’t to say that inappropriate behavior should go unaddressed. According to experts, it’s important to establish clear boundaries and consequences. To do this effectively, we must first understand our own limits. For example, if I know I may lose my composure after issuing three warnings, I might set my boundary at two warnings instead. After that, a logical consequence should follow—delivered in a calm, but firm manner. While this can be challenging, it is key to maintaining authority and consistency.
For instance, when my child is engaged in an activity that she finds exciting but is actually dangerous, I try to balance acknowledging her excitement with expressing my concern. I ask her to stop. If she doesn’t respond, I get down to her level, make eye contact, and speak calmly but firmly to ensure she understands. If she still doesn’t listen after two warnings, I remove her from the situation and place her somewhere safe.
I also make sure she experiences a logical consequence. For example, I wouldn’t say she’s losing her ice cream—it wouldn’t make sense in that context. Instead, I focus on a consequence that directly relates to the behavior. If that means leaving the playground entirely, then so be it. My goal is always to be consistent and reasonable in the moment.
Kind and firm.
When we teach our kids good manners we actually give them tools to use to respect others around them and recognize when they are being disrespected and ways to approach it.
14. The Power of Dua (Weekly)
We need to teach our kids what is dua and why we make it. As always, whatever we want to teach our kids, we need to implement it in our lives first.
For example, making dua can be mindfully incorporated weekly. On Fridays, we ask kids to make a list of things they want/need in their lives and arrange a time to talk to our Lord in silence. They do not have to share those duas with us. This way, we teach them to connect to Our Creator. Connecting to Our Lord daily, asking Him to help us in any situation we find ourselves in strengthen our relationship with Him and teaches our kids that no matter what happens they will be taken care of.
“And whoever relies upon Allah, then He is sufficient for him.” The Holy Qur’an 65:3
15. Nutritious Food and Sports (Daily)
Delaying the introduction of junk and packaged food in children’s diets offers significant long-term benefits. While the concept of health may seem abstract to young children, it presents a wonderful opportunity for parents to cultivate creativity and find engaging ways to teach healthy habits.
During mealtimes, engaging in conversations (or even playful monologues) can be highly effective. For instance, you could discuss: ‘What happens to our bodies when we eat unhealthy food? If we don’t take care of ourselves, we might feel unwell and need to visit the doctor.’ Or, ‘Look at this broccoli! It looks a bit like our brain, don’t you think? And what does our brain do? It makes us think! Isn’t that amazing?’
Incorporating simple morning exercises and enrolling children in sports activities is another crucial step. Even if they don’t fully understand the benefits initially, they’ll likely enjoy the physical activity. Establishing these healthy habits early in life will help them seamlessly integrate them into their routines as they grow older.
The following sources may help your child understand the concept of health and well-being:
Part1: https://kidshealth.org/classroom/cc/GetMoving.pdf
Part 2:https://kidshealth.org/classroom/cc/FoodAndDrinkToGrowOn.pdf
Part 3:https://kidshealth.org/classroom/cc/EveryDayIsAHealthyDay.pdf
All parts in one: https://www.smartstart.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Healthy-Habits-for-Life_Toolkit.pdf
16. Hygiene (Daily, Weekly)
Good hygiene is fundamental for a healthy life. Cultivating healthy habits in children requires patience and consistent effort, but the rewards are immense. The earlier we instill these practices, the better.
Here are some essential hygiene habits to teach children:
- Handwashing: Before and after meals, and before and after using the toilet.
- Toilet Hygiene: Proper use of the toilet and handwashing afterward.
- Oral Care: Brushing/flossing teeth at least twice daily.
- Respiratory Etiquette: Covering coughs and sneezes with the elbow.
- Personal Care: Cleaning nose and ears, and keeping nails trimmed.
One effective method to establish these routines is through visual aids. I created a morning and bedtime routine with pictures that make the process more engaging and easier for my kids children to understand and follow.
17. Chores (Daily)
I like to think that I am not raising only my kids, but also somebody’s husband and wife, and somebody’s mom and dad. Being a good wife/husband or mom/dad calls for being able to take responsiblity. That is why I find raising responsible human beings very important.
Research suggests that assigning chores can be a powerful tool in fostering responsibility and confidence in children.
The good news is, young children often view chores differently than adults. They may not see them as mundane tasks, but rather as opportunities to help and contribute to the household. In fact, many children find chores enjoyable and take pride in their accomplishments.
Here is an age-appropriate chore list you may use as a reference. Incorporating these delegated tasks into your daily routine from a young age can significantly benefit both your child’s development and your own well-being.
18. Cooking (Weekly)
Involving kids in cooking boosts their confidence while teaching them a life skill. It also makes for a great bonding time. Setting a day a week for baking or cooking may be a good start to be more intentional about this.
19. Arts and Crafts (Weekly)
Arts and crafts help children develop creativity, imagination, self-expression, confidence, independence, fine motor skills, problem-solving, hand-eye coordination, social skills, and critical thinking. Getting the necessary tools ready for the planned weekly art/craft before the week begins allows us to implement it with success.
Pinterest app is a wonderful way of searching for ideas to implement it into your weekly schedule.
I also like the idea of a DIY project with the dad (weekly or monthly) where kids get to be crafty and bond with their father while working on the same goal together.
20. The Importance of Nature and Gardening (Weekly)
I often find it hard to step outside my home because I genuinely love being there. However, I know that without some fresh air and sunshine, my mood and productivity will eventually take a hit. Beyond the usual trips to the playground with the kids, weekly visits to the forest, picnic spots, or areas near water are wonderful ways to nurture a connection with nature. These outings not only get us outdoors but also keep the kids away from screens and the mess of the house. Fresh air and, hopefully, a dose of sunshine can do wonders, including helping them sleep better at night.
Incorporating gardening into our daily lives has been a challenge for me, as I’ve always lived in the city. My generation wasn’t really taught the value of homesteading or self-sufficiency. But that’s no excuse—not when we have so many resources and opportunities at our fingertips. Starting small, like watering the plants with the kids each week, is a manageable first step. It’s the beginning of what could become a beautiful journey into gardening and, who knows, perhaps even homesteading someday.
The best part? Learning alongside our kids creates moments of connection and joy we’ll cherish forever.
21. The Importance of Books (Daily)
I am not a spending type of a person, but I have no problem spending on books. For me, a hard copy of a book can’t be replaced with a digital one. I do have a right to impose that on my kids, right?
So, we have daily reading sessions. Usually after their afternoon nap/quiet time. First, we read together, then we read separately. Then, my older daughter reads to her little brother. Then, if they are in mood, they read them to me…I sometimes catch them having reading sessions out of nowhere all by themselves. We also read to them right before they sleep.
22. Animals (Daily)
There are some studies done on the importance of keeping pets at home. They suggest that kids who have pets at home and take care of them tend to share, take over responsibility, overcome fears, control anger, boost their self-confidence, instill a sense of ownership and protection, and be tolerant and aware of others’ feelings and behaviors. 2
We have two cats at home. My kids are more than willing to care for them. They actually take pride in it. Usually, it is them that refill the bowls of food and water.
Other examples that will encourage kids to look after animals (and can make for a great bonding time with kids) may include: feeding pigeons some bread crumbs, giving food and water to stray cats and dogs,and etc…
23. Islam Through Stories of Our Prophet ﷺ (Daily and Weekly)
I’ve heard somewhere that the best way to teach Islam to our kids is through getting them to know about the life of our Beloved Prophet Muhammed ﷺ. To me, it makes perfect sense.
Teaching our kids and ourselves about Prophet Muhammed ﷺ life helps integrate Islam into our daily life. Islam is a way of living. Not just a religion. And we need to show our kids just that.
How Our Prophet regulated anger?
Which day of the week he would cut his nails?
How he managed to joke without lying?
And so on…
Talking about Allah’s love and mercy (rather than His punishment) to very young kids, praying with them, taking them to different mosques/masjids/islamic gatherings, celebrating Eid with friends and family, talking about Our Prophet, angles, reciting/memorizing Surah/Duas are all some examples that play crucial role in shaping their overall experience and view on our faith.
Marvelous Stories from the Life of Muhammed ﷺby Madijah Aldrich Tarantino is a book I would recommend reading to kids before bedtime.
24. Money Management/Entrepreneurship (Weekly/Monthly)
Providing opportunities for kids to learn about buying and selling is a life skill they will definetly need.
Taking them grocery shopping, selling things with them, teaching them the concept of comparison shopping, negotiating, and allowing them to pay or get paid are all things that foster the mindset of entrepreneurship and help them understand how to manage money.
Very young kids (as little as 3) may grasp the concept of money if we use creative tools and include them in managing spending and selling.
For example, they can understand that things cost differently, such as toys versus chocolate. They can also understand that money is to be kept safe. They can also understand that there is a difference between our needs and wants.
Including kids in writing a grocery list, budgeting, helping you get the items in the store, and comparing the prices are all ways to show kids how we manage money. If they happen to ask for something that is not on the list, we gently remind them that we need to stick to the list and the budget we have to have a successful shopping experience.
Also, playing with children is a great way of teaching them about money, such as “Play Pretend” in a supermarket or similar.
This is the activity book that I find really useful for teaching kids about money.
25. Community Engagement (monthly)
Being a part of a community that we feel we belong to helps us navigate our social life and provides opportunities for our kids to feel like they belong.
26. Screen Time
Experts recommend that children under the age of 2 should avoid screen time altogether. For children over 2, up to 2 hours of screen time per day is considered acceptable, though it’s best to keep it to a minimum. To ensure healthy screen habits, screens should ideally be used only in common areas, like a TV in the living room, and not in children’s bedrooms.
If you’re outside and there’s no alternative but to give your child a phone or tablet, enabling “Guided Access” or similar parental controls can prevent them from changing the content you’ve chosen for them. This helps keep screen time safe and manageable.
Also, limiting the selection of programs your child watches is an effective way to keep screen time under control. For example, the American Psychological Association (APA) approves Sesame Street as a positive, educational program for young children. In contrast, Cocomelon has garnered a less favorable reputation regarding its content and impact on kids, so it’s advisable to avoid it.
I would be happy to read about your thoughts on this article. Anything you would like to suggest?
With love,
Sejla