I married when I was 21. My ex-husband was 23. By many social standards nowadays, we were young, especially in the cultures we come from. Our marriage lasted for 8 years, and we were blessed with two beautiful children.
Do I regret getting married young after experiencing divorce?
Plain and simple: no.
I still recommend that anyone who finds a person they like and feel ready for marriage consider marrying sooner rather than later. The Prophet ﷺ warned against delaying marriage unnecessarily, saying:
“O young people, whoever among you can afford marriage, let him marry, for it helps lower the gaze and guard chastity, and whoever cannot, then he should fast, for it will be a shield for him.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 5066)
I may write another post about why I do not regret marrying young, but today I want to focus on why my marriage did not work out, even though I tried my best to make it succeed.
Why Marriages Fail Even When You Do Everything “Right”
1. Compatibility on All Levels
Intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and even lifestyle compatibility matters. Sometimes, we try to make it work by bottling up feelings or hiding our true selves to avoid conflict. While this may seem like patience, it often causes loss of connection over time.
It’s crucial to work on yourself both before and after marriage, to understand your own strengths, weaknesses, and emotional patterns. A healthy marriage requires two people who have done and are willing to continue doing their own personal growth work, because you cannot rely on your spouse to fix or complete you if you haven’t done the work yourself.
2. Qadr – Divine Decree
Just like marriage, divorce is also written in Allah’s decree. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, events unfold according to His plan:
“And know that Allah intervenes between a person and his heart…”
Surah Al‑Anfal 8:24
This reminds me that sometimes, Allah allows things to happen for reasons beyond our comprehension.
3. Faith Alone Is Not Enough
Faith is essential, but practicing it does not automatically guarantee compatibility or success in marriage. You must also align in lifestyle, communication, and vision for life.
4. Different Goals and Directions in Life
Even when two people love each other, diverging goals—career paths, family planning, or personal ambitions can create tension that grows over time.
5. Cultural Differences and Adaptability
Coming from different cultures can challenge a marriage. Incompatibilities in family expectations, traditions, and daily life routines can be difficult to navigate.
6. Stress After Children
Having children exposes every weakness, every tension, and every unresolved issue in a marriage. It is not uncommon for couples who were fine before children to struggle after having them.
7. Personal Growth and Change
People evolve. Sometimes personal growth takes one partner in a different direction, and despite love and effort, the paths no longer align.
8. Effort in Household Responsibilities Alone Isn’t Enough
I did my best with traditional household duties, but that alone cannot sustain a marriage. Marriage is built on mutual respect, understanding, communication, and emotional connection, not just chores and earnings.
Emotions
Also, people tend to rationalize reasons for failure, but when it comes to emotions, the human heart often defies logic.
“And He changes hearts, just as He wills. Allah has full knowledge of all things.” (Qur’an 13:11)
Sometimes Allah allows certain events like the ending of a marriage to occur, and His wisdom is infinite, even if we cannot understand it at the moment.
Words of Encouragement
As a divorcee myself, I want to say: do not avoid marriage because of fear.
I am proud that I married young, and that we made the union halal. Even though it ended in divorce, we did it the way Allah loves, and that gave me strength and barakah, even in the midst of hardship.
When you act according to Allah’s guidance, even if things crumble, you feel His support in the storm. His mercy is infinite:
“Allah does not burden a soul beyond its capacity…”
Qur’an 2:286
With love,
Sejla
